Elul Tools ~ 5 Elul 5781

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for the Days of Awe

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Today's Elul Chai-Ku:

Inspired by lyrics from People Are Strange, the Doors

"People are strange when
YOU're a stranger." Have I reached out?
Make the unknown, known.

5 Elul - Keep on Searchin':  Did you Welcome the Stranger?

Today we continue contemplating our relationships

over the past year. It has been a very strange year for interacting with the rest of the world. Relationships on the home front have been tested like never before.  Today we begin to consider our more tangential relations. In March, many of these interactions and relationships came to a halt. These are the folks we cross paths with due to circumstances, rather than blood relation or affinity. For example, our neighbors, colleagues, acquaintances, friends of friends, the mail carrier, clerks at the store, even complete strangers. Essentially all these people are strangers to some degree. While it is true that we may intersect at various points, these are not the people we would keep in touch with should we move away. What kind of behavior or action should we show these people. Inclusion and hospitality? Respect and kindness? Neutrality? Aloofness? Leeriness or mistrust? Jewish tradition has much to say on this topic. How has the pandemic changed these interactions and possibilities?

“Welcoming the Stranger,” is a central theme in Judaism. Its roots span all the way back to our original matriarch and patriarch, Sarah and Abraham.  According to tradition, they were consummate hosts. Their unique hospitality included welcoming sojourners to their tent, providing refreshments and elaborate meals, a comfortable place to rest, even washing their feet with cool water.

In the Torah, God encourages us to “Welcome the stranger because we too were once strangers in the land of Egypt."  Ancestrally, we know the experience of being an outsider, of being disregarded, of being oppressed, of being exiled. From this core teaching comes a time honored Jewish virtue known as Hachnasat Orchim, which means welcoming the stranger and extending hospitality. It’s a mitzvah to go out of our way to include people, to reach out to those on the fringes, to extend niceties to those all around us. Jewish tradition takes it one step further and says that it shouldn’t even matter whether or not we agree or disagree with them, whether they are rich or poor. For in the end we all come from the same source. Everyone deserves respect and kindness that is appropriate for the situation. 

It is also upon us to make sure that those on the fringes, those marginalized and oppressed, are treated justly. Torah  implores us: "Tzedek, Tzedek Tirdof." Justice, Justice you shall pursue. This has also been a year, where we have seen the horrifying reality of systemic racism--the murder of George Floyd out in the open in broad day light. Torah also teaches us that we cannot stand idly by while the blood of our fellow is spilled. We can't leave it up to someone else to take care of and protect the stranger. We must do all we can to ensure freedom and justice for all. As Emma Lazarus famously said, "Until we are all free, none of us are free."

Today’s Elul Tool: For today examine your relationships with "strangers" (the true stranger and those who are in your life only by situation).

For actual strangers, think about whether you have been welcoming and inclusive in the past year. Do you make it a habit to introduce yourself to people you don’t know? Do you express curiosity and try to learn more about them? Did you reach out to those in need, either locally, or beyond the comfort of your neighborhood and town. Or, on the other hand, have you avoided these interactions.

IMPORTANT: So much of our interactions over the past few months have been changed by quarantine, social distancing, and gathering virtually. This may have hampered your ability to "welcome the stranger." 

For the peripheral people in your life, are your friendly and kind? Do you make an effort to greet people and ask about their lives? Do you regularly share a smile (though this is now hidden behind a mask) or greeting with clerks and service people? 

Of course welcoming the stranger requires extra time and work on our parts! Of course we don’t have such time and energy! Yet consider how your pulling in, rather than reaching out, has negatively impacted the social bonds and larger networks around you. Avoid engaging in a tit for tat conversation in your mind like “Why should I reach out to my neighbors, they haven’t reached out to me?” OR, "There is no way, my small action could truly help the oppressed." Simply think about your role in allowing missed opportunities for connecting, building community, and transforming including someone from the outside. 

NOTE: In the months that we have been impacted by the pandemic, have you avoided meeting in virtual spaces because it doesn't feel as authentic as meeting together in the same physical space? If so, how has this impacted your opportunity to welcome the stranger, to make connections with others? How might both parties have gained if you had participated more?

Psalm 27

It is customary to read Psalm 27 twice daily during Elul.

Here is an online version of Psalm 27 for easy access.

For Families and Kids!

Junior Tool Box: Hachnasat Orchim, welcoming the stranger, is actually something that comes quite naturally for children, especially the very young. Build on this natural tendency. However, it is important for children to know the difference between strangers (with a little s) and Strangers (with a big S). For now the lesson is kindness and respect appropriate for the situation, while continuing to learn levels of discernment.

In preparing very young children for the Days of Awe, the emphasis should be more upon performing mitzvot, now during Elul, rather than dwelling on intense character exploration. Have discussions or role plays (either with people in the family or dolls/stuffed animals) on the following aspects of Hachnasat Orchim:

Hospitality: 

• Offer friends a drink or snack when they visit 
• Show friends to the door when they leave
• Ask how others are doing, do they need anything
• When hosting a playdate, allow friends to go first

NOTE: much of these usual ways of expressing hospitality have been disrupted because of Covid-19. Explain this in age appropriate ways to your children.

Reaching Out:
• Introduce yourself to children in a new setting
• Include new people in activities (in person or virtually)

• Wave and greet neighbors when you see them
• Engage in friendly conversations with clerks, service people etc.
• Role model taking care of the marginalized (giving tzedakah, social activisim, etc)

Role plays can be done showing the positive desired behaviors as well as unkind behaviors which do not work as well.

Hands-on Hachnasat Orchim Activities for Elul (or anytime!)

These are great ways for you to engage in an activity with your children while producing a tangible “give away” at the end.

Bake something for a neighbor

Pick a bouquet and deliver to an acquaintance or neighbor

Send a homemade card or picture to a relative you have been out of touch with for a long time (they can become like strangers when they are so far away!)

Or, make a card or picture for your mail carrier

Plan a kid friendly, safe block party

As always, children learn from role models. Do your best to reach beyond yourself and your inner circle. Show your children how to extend a hand to “the stranger” through hospitality, graciousness, and respect.

Elul Tools ~ 4 Elul 5781

  

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for the Days of Awe 

                                                     

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Today's Elul Chai-Ku:

I'll take sticks and stones.
Cruel words, harsh tones, hurtful gossip...
deep wounds, slow to heal.

4 Elul—More Soul Searching: 

Acknowledging Our Evil Tongue 

Our soul searching last focused on immediate family members. For today we expand the circle outward,

considering extended family and friends. The people we live with usually see our most authentic selves. They know the raw part of us, our darker moods, our unpleasant knee-jerk reactions. However, as we head out of our homes, most of us have an outside persona that is more civilized and "put on."

We may not hurt people outside our homes directly with unkind words, an outpouring of impatience, or an irritable mood. Quite often, however, we harm them with indirect words. The Jewish term for this is Leshon Hara, literally translated as the evil tongue, but more commonly understood as gossip.

Leshon Hara is basically any negative speech about

someone, even if it is true! Essentially, it’s the kind of nasty talk that caused our parents and teachers to say: “Mind your own business,” and “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Gossip is speech that is not intended for the purpose of improving a situation. Rather the intent is to cast the subject in a negative light. However, some even consider sharing the good news of others to be questionable as well. The great news of others is not ours to share. Usually the motive is to elevate our own status and power as the "source" of the information. Judaism teaches us a lot about the intention behind our words.

Jewish tradition also teaches us that Leshon Hara is one of the most serious of all sins. Perhaps this is because once negative speech has poured forth, the ripple effect is immeasurable. The words travel seamlessly from person, to person, to person. We cannot control whether the harsh words we speak about someone become distorted, exaggerated, or even erroneous as they move onward, through the grapevine. Gossip is an invisible, but very powerful weapon. 

All of us, regardless of age, maturity, spiritual development etc. engage in Leshon Hara. Actually as we get older, we become more sophisticated at veiling our gossip as something else: “I’m just trying to be helpful,” "I'm just speaking  my truth," or “I just need to vent!” It’s as if humans are hard wired for this insidious little habit. The key is to become more and more aware of the habit and work towards decreasing the offense.

Today’s Elul Tool: For a few minutes, think about the Leshon Hara (gossip) you have engaged in over the past year. Are there particular people you tend to gossip more about? Why? Think about the negative ripple of energy you unleashed into the cosmic pool. Though the subjects of your gossip may be unaware, you and God and the ears of the universe know all about it. And once those words have emerged from your lips, they are no longer yours. You no longer have control over what happens to them. When you speak harsh words, you cannot unspeak them. Surely just as you spoke them, they will tumble again and again from the mouths of others. As uncomfortable as it is, consider your part in creating this spiritual disturbance. But try to meditate on this with as little judgment as possible. No human on the planet is able to completely escape the sticky web of Leshon Hara. Our aim is to create less of it over time, to stop the chain of disrespectful speech.

It is customary to read Psalm 27 twice daily during Elul.
Here is an online version of Psalm 27 for easy access.

For Families and Kids!

Junior Tool Box: Depending upon the age of your child, it is not too early to introduce the concept of Leshon Hara (gossip). Right and positive speech is an important concept to discuss anytime, but particularly as we approach the High Holy Days. You can define gossip as “words that hurt” or “mean things we say about people when they aren’t around.” 

There is a particularly powerful Hasidic tale you can share that brings the concept vividly to life. There are many versions of this story, including a hardbound, illustrated children’s book by Madonna called Mr. Peabody’s Apples. A condensed version of the tale taken from Minyan: Ten Principles for Living a Life of Integrity by Rabbi Rami Shapiro is as follows: 

“THERE is a Hasidic story about a town gossip. This fellow thoughtlessly told and retold stories about others that brought them shame. The town’s rabbi met with the man and confronted him with his words. The man was stunned. He had no idea he was spreading such hurt. He broke into tears and begged the rabbi for help. ‘There must be something I can do to atone for the wickedness I have done.’ 

“The rabbi instructed the man to take four pillows out into a field. Once there he was to slice open each pillow with a knife and shake its feathers into the wind. The man thanked the rabbi and rushed off to do as he was told. He purchased four fine feather pillows and cut them open in the field, watching as the feathers scattered in every direction.

“He returned to the rabbi to let him know he had completed his penance.’Not quite,’ said the rabbi. ‘Now go back to the field and retrieve the feathers.’ 

“ ‘But that is impossible,’ said the man. ‘The winds have taken them everywhere.’ 

“ ‘It is the same with your words,’ the rabbi said gravely. ‘Just as you cannot retrieve the feathers once spilled, so you cannot withdraw words once spoken. No matter how sincerely you desire to undo what you have done, the harm caused by thoughtless speech cannot be rectified.’ “ 

To Practice: Monitor your words so that they do not set in motion harmful things. And when they do, ask for forgiveness. 

Elul Tools ~ 3 Elul 5781

  

Elul Tools  

 

Building a Strong Foundation 

for the Days of Awe

Shofar Blast 

(press the arrow below)

 

                                   

Today's Elul Chai-Ku:

Whom have I wounded? 

Yes, I caused pain and ruptured peace.

Why? I am human.

3 Elul—Time for Serious Soul Searching 

One of the primary tasks during Elul and the Days of Awe is to examine ourselves intently, intensively. In Hebrew this process is called “Cheshbon Hanefesh” which literally translates as an accounting or inventory of the soul. Cheshbon is the accounting part, hanefesh is the soul part. Fortunately it’s not all about examining the bad parts. It's about taking an honest and neutral look at the state of affairs of our lives. In addition to exploring our mistakes, our challenges, our weaknesses, we should also pay attention to our successes and our strengths. However, there are times during Elul when zeroing in on our shortcomings is required. We will get started with this today.

The inward journey of “Cheshbon Hanefesh” leads us through many facets of our lives including relationships, health, work, finances, mitzvot, community, commitments to the larger world (politics, socioeconomic justice, racial equity, the environment). Obviously this terrain is too expansive to contemplate on Yom Kippur day only. That is why we begin to consider these areas of our lives well before the big day. In this way, we are prepared for atoning on Yom Kippur and ready to recalibrate for the year ahead.

Over the course of the next several days we will take some time to

consider all these separate aspects of our lives. We will take it slowly, focusing on one area at a time. Today we start with relationships, in particular our immediate families. In order to achieve "shalom bayit,” or peace within the home, each of the individual relationships we have within our family needs its own proper tending.

As we begin to delve into contemplating our family relationships, we need to remember that the soul work needed now is about taking responsibility. Of course there are terrific reasons for all the things we do in our intimate relationships. Our task now is not to seek rationale for mistakes made or defend our own hurtful behaviors. Instead we acknowledge the errors and take responsibility for our part in disrupting the shalom, the peace with our homes and families.

Think about your hurtful actions toward your family members and consider the impact it has had. Looking at this part of ourselves is difficult. Avoid judging yourself too harshly. 

Instead try to view your behavior and its consequences in a neutral,

fly-on-the wall way. Remember that every human being has moments of callousness, disregard, anger. Fortunately relationships are resilient and can endure lots of wear and tear. It is normal and healthy for relationships to be tested, to have conflict, to bear pain. The good news is that a large part of relationships is the repair process. It’s not that a "good" relationship should be free of disruption and hurt. Rather the health of a relationship is measured by how quickly, how genuinely repair is accomplished.

Today’s Elul Tool: Take some time to think about the people in your immediate family (i.e. the ones you live with). Consider the ways in which you hurt them over the past year. Don’t think about why you hurt them. Don’t try to explain it. Just think about how each of these people has been affected by insensitivities on your part (criticalness, impatience, rejection, neglect). Try to avoid jumping to how they have hurt you in similar ways. For today, just sit with the realization that you caused pain; you disturbed peace.

It is customary to read Psalm 27 twice daily during Elul.
Here is an online version of Psalm 27 for easy access.